INTRODUCTION
Marriage should be blissful. Unfortunately, most often, the reality is not so. Many couples are usually unprepared to face the challenges of a changed life that marriage brings. People need to know that adjustments must be a necessary part of the relationship. I will discuss the following areas- Definition of Marital Adjustment, Why it is Necessary and How to Achieve It.
DEFINITION
According to the Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary, to adjust means ”to become or make somebody or something suited to new conditions; to adapt oneself to something; to alter something by a small amount so that it will fit properly.” Therefore, marital adjustment, involves suitable adaptation of oneself and altering by small amounts your way of doing things.
Areas of Adjustment
Adjustment in marriage spans a lifetime. When two people from two different backgrounds come together to share their lives, they must adjust to each other or else the relationship breaks up in no time. Adjustments cover every aspect of life. At the inception of marriage, it touches you socially (the newly acquired family, mates’ friends, the neighborhood, the new lifestyle e.t.c.), economically, sexually and psychologically. As you grow in the relationship, you have to;-
– Adjust to each other’s needs as changes come into your life.. Periods of adjustments come as you experience pregnancy and childbirth, childcare, life crises or challenges of life, emptying of your nest, even to coping with old age and all it comes with.
Why is adjustment needed?
It is a necessary mechanism to ease compatibility problems. Any couple that refuses to make the adjustments will either live miserably or else break up in no time. It helps bonding, which is a necessary ingredient for intimacy in marriage. How well do you adjust? Who is at a disadvantage? This depends on the maturity of the couple concerned in how they handle the situation, for each family is unique in its needs. For example, if there is any maladjustment in the area of their sexual relationship, it can be worked out amicably because of the willingness to take the necessary steps..Their marital boat may be rocked but it will not capsize. If they both believe in commitment to the marriage, they would seek a solution to the crises rather than break up the union.
What causes conflicts that result in maladjustment in marriage?
1. Human weaknesses or faults normally begin to appear after marriage. If they are overpowering (e.g. fear, anger, selfishness), they gradually being to kill the friendship.
2. Lack of knowledge. Many are ignorant of what it takes to keep the relationship going.
3. Failure to meet each other’s emotional needs (Husbands feel they have conquered their wives and then move on to other areas of interest, like sports, job, e.t.c. The woman in her environment expects full attention from him but does not receive it. This reduced or lack of attention can begin to degenerate into misunderstandings.)
4. Inability to make necessary compromises or sacrifices due to selfish reasons.
5. Refusal to learn or to accept faults.
6. Lack of knowledge about basic differences between women and men.
7. The influence of background life experiences that affect behaviour.
8.Personality differences and the weaknesses inherent in each person.
What you need to know
1. During courtship, everyone puts up his or best behaviour, sometimes going the extra mile. After marriage the husband relaxes, having conquered her. Yet, it is at this stage that the woman needs her man. Someone must reach out to fill the gap. Sometimes through crises certain level of adjustment is achieved. For those who cannot, the relationship tends to break up.
2. People bring into marriage differences:
Sexuality Differences between men and women often create problems due to lack of knowledge of what to do, e.g. the emotional communication channels are different. The male is the conqueror, the provider, the rational being while the female is the nester, the homemaker. Inherited temperament differences plus childhood training, life experiences, mental attitude, spiritual beliefs, health, education, habit e.t.c. are the several behavioral differences couples contend with. Having to deal with weaknesses in temperament is the ultimate test of commitment.
MARITAL ADJUSTMENT AND HOW TO ACHIEVE IT
– There must be a commitment from both parties. It is a decision which involves your psychological selves that must galvanize into positive action.
– It should be through education, for knowledge is power. Knowing and understanding your partner helps to maintain your relationship. It becomes easier. Read books on marriage. Attend marriage seminars.
Be willing to put into practice what you learn.
– Study your partner. Find out their likes, dislikes, prejudices, strengths and weaknesses. Don’t be pushy or demanding in those areas.
– Acknowledge your imperfections and accept one another.
– Be ready to start again if you fail at any point in time.
– Do things together. As bonding occurs it leads to intimacy.
– We are designed to love God and to love one another. Deprivations of either function can be devastating.
– Allow no third party interference. (family, friends or hobbies.)
– Meet each other’s emotional needs.
– Pray together and pray for each other.
– Learn to forgive, praise, apologise. Be compassionate, kind, gentle, patient and communicate love.
Veronica Nnogo